Riff off Mark Doty's "Broadway"
Under the faded tin roof
beneath a fistful of stars
a coyote wails in the distance.
Far from this moment, but close at hand.
Desert sage sways under
the stiff and cracked heat,
its thin pink fingers caught
in splintered door frames,
opening and closing,
those tiny knives,
a lifetime of snagging
elbows and knees caught unawares.
The store front groans,
its faded tattoos
whisper the age of
its oak skeleton.
Glass eyes covered,
blinded with old type print,
rusted nails turning its grin
to a pit of abscesses.
Vultures perch along its spine,
waiting, always waiting,
their stomachs roused
from their delicious sloth.
You've generated a lot of good language here about this desert scene. I think that you could use what you have as a frame to build some more on.
ReplyDeleteFor instance, in the first stanza, you could spend a lot more time on the coyote. Just continue where you left off, and describe what he does. Maybe he sniffs something and pursues it. It could be something tangible like a meal, or something a little more surreal, depending on what you want to do with this draft.
In the second stanza, what would the sage do when some tumbleweeds blow by? They could try to catch them, jealous of their freedom.
And what about the storefront? What kind of store is in the desert? Are we in a southwestern American setting? You could define the setting by describing the store in a little more detail.
In the final stanza, the vultures are waiting. Could they take flight and find an unfortunate meal taking its final steps?
This is a great draft and I think you've already got some good stuff to work with, and adding some details could really help establish what you want the reader to feel.
"The store front groans,
ReplyDeleteits faded tattoos
whisper the age of
its oak skeleton."
For some reason for me this is the most striking image and there are several here, but this one caught my eye.
Now Darren is correct in asking for detail, also I might be careful of the personification as it seems oddly out of place for the poems overall structure.
The store front might be slathered with faded tattoos instead, but again what kind of tatoos, so interesting to refer to a store as having tatoos, what are they, what did they use to say or represent.
"Glass eyes covered,
blinded with old type print,
rusted nails turning its grin
to a pit of abscesses."
and here again with very interesting language you devote another stanza describing it, but what if you put the magnifying glass to it, what are the signs that in the "type print" that might tell us more about the speakers relationship to the whole poem.
Hope you can use this as a catalyst for more particulars details in other stanzas and a new draft. Overall some very impressive language, that I am a more than a little bit jealous of.
Good job and I look forward to the next draft.
Jeff
Jeff and Darin offered some good comments, but I will try to add a little different perspective. There are a lot of references to animals watching or peering. What if switched the animals to people?
ReplyDeleteUnder the faded tin roof
beneath a fistful of stars
a worn down Cowbody wails in the distance.
Far from this moment, but close at hand.
All of a sudden there is something to connect the other stanzas as a "speaker" is identified. Just some quick thoughts, but a good solid draft. I'll look out for later drafts.